Friday, March 21, 2014

My Testimony

Psalm 139

English Standard Version (ESV)

Search Me, O God, and Know My Heart

To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David.

139 O Lord, you have searched me and known me! 
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
    you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
    and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
    behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before,
    and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
    it is high; I cannot attain it.
Where shall I go from your Spirit?
    Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
    If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
    and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 even there your hand shall lead me,
    and your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
    and the light about me be night,”
12 even the darkness is not dark to you;
    the night is bright as the day,
    for darkness is as light with you.
13 For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.[a]
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
    the days that were formed for me,
    when as yet there was none of them.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
18 If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
    I awake, and I am still with you.
19 Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God!
    O men of blood, depart from me!
20 They speak against you with malicious intent;
    your enemies take your name in vain.[b]
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord?
    And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
22 I hate them with complete hatred;
    I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart!
    Try me and know my thoughts![c]
24 And see if there be any grievous way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting!
 
                              Satan tried to steal, kill and destroy me before I was born. My dad was cheating on my mom before I was born and I was supposed to be the hope that would make everything better and make my dad want to be there. My mom was not in a good place spiritually when she got pregnant with me and when she was in delivery she was having a very hard time enduring. My mom was raised in a religion called Church of the First Born and they believed that medicine or doctors where unnecessary because if the Lord wanted you to have that disease or sickness then you would and if He wanted you to be healed then you would. So my mom had me and my 3 other sisters at home with a midwife. My mom was in labor with me and she was pushing and crying and trying to muster up the strength to have me. She was at her end and she said " I can't do this!" and she said she distinctly remembers the Lord saying "BUT, I CAN" and so she pushed and I was born! The devil lost! But he would not relent that easily. My grandma died a month after I was born and my mom was there with a cheating husband and dead mother and father, and 4 little girls and my other sister from my dads first marriage. All looking at my mom for direction. God stepped in and was our father. but I didn't and wouldn't realize that for years to come.
                                       Fast forward about 7 years. I was in second grade and I came home from skating my sister was watching the Leprechaun and she warned me not to watch it but I was persistant and stubborn. So she gave in. My mom came in and asked my sister why she was letting me watch this and said I shouldn't watch it but again convinced her I was mature enough and so my mom said fine but if she gets scared in the middle of the night she is sleeping with you, she said to my sister Pamela. And I did for the next 4 years! After I watched that movie that was when death and evil became reality to me. I thought the Lepricon was everywhere. In my closet, bathroom, toilet every dark corner, sink, windows. I was haunted for years. I was raised going to church and so that is when I realized oh God and Jesus is the one who fight these things. So my devotion to God at that age was a desire to want someone to fight for me. I wanted a hero. And after nights of praying to God and asking him to let me not get murdered and let me die in my sleep, and seeing that He was faithful to protect me through the night. I believed in Him. I believed that He existed, that there was death and evil and He is the only one that can do anything about it. So from a young age I was dedicated to this man that protected me.  I can even remember having a sleep over for my birthday and the next morning was Church on the Move it was this youth church where they would pick up kids from all around Tulsa, Oklahoma and take them to church. I remember asking my friends do they want to go and they said no and I left them there at my house while I went to church. There was a period of time I didn't have nightmares and then we moved to Texas and after a couple of months I saw Chucky on the screen of my friends parents TV and the memories of my haunting rushed back into my head! I went home and told my mom and she had it with the Devil. She made me get down on my knees and pray that the Lord take these bad dreams in the name of Jesus and that I  would believe that God was stronger and there was nothing to fear. After that night I never had a nightmare again.
                                            Fast Forward 3 years I continued to go to church and be involved with youth group. But I didn't have bad dreams anymore so I didn't have a desperate need to know God more. My 8th grade summer going into 9th grade I started trying to fill my father wound with the attention of "men", alcohol, drugs, and would test the boundaries with purity but not go too far because I moral but I didn't really understand why the Lord intended sex for marriage and I wasn't wise enough to ask anyone. So I just didn't do it ultimately to please my mom. I got grounded for months during that year about 4 times. and the last time I was not grounded anymore my friend Kaylee called me and asked me if I wanted to hang out. At the time I knew what that meant. Sneak out, drink, and hang out with guys. I knew I had to make a choice and I remember the Lord just putting this thought in my head. You are not going to live like this anymore, you are going to live for me. That is when I realized that I was the sin, evil and death. I put Jesus on the cross. I am a sinner. I do not naturally want to be holy it is only God that can make me that way. That is when I believe God saved me. May 2005. Later that summer I went to a mission trip to Uvalde Texas with a man named Blake Chilton who was our youth pastor and He would confirm what happened in my room that afternoon was surely me turning away from my life of sin and running to the arms of my father.
 
                                            So I've known the Lord to be my Hero to slay the dragon or the leprechaun and save his princess! and then I finally knew the Lord as my savior that saved me from eternal life separated from him. Then I would behave as if literally he was my father and took his grace for granted, like no matter what I do he will love me. Then after heartbreaks of relationships He showed me He is my lover AND THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN SATISFY OR EVER BE MY HERO and now in the last year He has opened my eyes to see him as my Daddy. redeeming all the neglect of affection and affirmation from my father. He quite literally will help me find my keys and is so sweet and watches for me. Now my daddy is teaching me to Trust him and REMEMBER He was and Is and IS TO COME.
 
John 10:10
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.
 
            My Hero, My Savior, My Father, My lover, My Daddy.                          
                                        
                
 
This battle is not against me and Satan it is against God and Satan.  It is God has won. and will win again.
 
REMEMBER MY FRIENDS.
 
Amen.

1 comment:

  1. So encouraging reading how God had worked in your life, you are an amazing young woman and great example.

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