My Testimony

Psalm 139

English Standard Version (ESV)

Search Me, O God, and Know My Heart

To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David.

139 O Lord, you have searched me and known me! 
² You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
    you discern my thoughts from afar.
³ You search out my path and my lying down
    and are acquainted with all my ways.
⁴ Even before a word is on my tongue,
    behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
⁵ You hem me in, behind and before,
    and lay your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
    it is high; I cannot attain it.

⁷ Where shall I go from your Spirit?
    Or where shall I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
    If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
⁹ If I take the wings of the morning
    and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand shall lead me,
    and your right hand shall hold me.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
    and the light about me be night,”
¹² even the darkness is not dark to you;
    the night is bright as the day,
    for darkness is as light with you.

¹³ For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
¹⁴ I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.^[a]
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
    the days that were formed for me,
    when as yet there was none of them.

¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
    I awake, and I am still with you.

¹⁹ Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God!
    O men of blood, depart from me!
²⁰ They speak against you with malicious intent;
    your enemies take your name in vain.^[b]
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord?
    And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
²² I hate them with complete hatred;
    I count them my enemies.

²³ Search me, O God, and know my heart!
    Try me and know my thoughts!^[c]
24 And see if there be any grievous way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting!

 

                              Satan tried to steal, kill and destroy me before I was born. My dad was cheating on my mom before I was born and I was supposed to be the hope that would make everything better and make my dad want to be there. My mom was not in a good place spiritually when she got pregnant with me and when she was in delivery she was having a very hard time enduring. My mom was raised in a religion called Church of the First Born and they believed that medicine or doctors where unnecessary because if the Lord wanted you to have that disease or sickness then you would and if He wanted you to be healed then you would. So my mom had me and my 3 other sisters at home with a midwife. My mom was in labor with me and she was pushing and crying and trying to muster up the strength to have me. She was at her end and she said " I can't do this!" and she said she distinctly remembers the Lord saying "BUT, I CAN" and so she pushed and I was born! The devil lost! But he would not relent that easily. My grandma died a month after I was born and my mom was there with a cheating husband and dead mother and father, and 4 little girls and my other sister from my dads first marriage. All looking at my mom for direction. God stepped in and was our father. but I didn't and wouldn't realize that for years to come.

                                       Fast forward about 7 years. I was in second grade and I came home from skating my sister was watching the Leprechaun and she warned me not to watch it but I was persistant and stubborn. So she gave in. My mom came in and asked my sister why she was letting me watch this and said I shouldn't watch it but again convinced her I was mature enough and so my mom said fine but if she gets scared in the middle of the night she is sleeping with you, she said to my sister Pamela. And I did for the next 4 years! After I watched that movie that was when death and evil became reality to me. I thought the Lepricon was everywhere. In my closet, bathroom, toilet every dark corner, sink, windows. I was haunted for years. I was raised going to church and so that is when I realized oh God and Jesus is the one who fight these things. So my devotion to God at that age was a desire to want someone to fight for me. I wanted a hero. And after nights of praying to God and asking him to let me not get murdered and let me die in my sleep, and seeing that He was faithful to protect me through the night. I believed in Him. I believed that He existed, that there was death and evil and He is the only one that can do anything about it. So from a young age I was dedicated to this man that protected me.  I can even remember having a sleep over for my birthday and the next morning was Church on the Move it was this youth church where they would pick up kids from all around Tulsa, Oklahoma and take them to church. I remember asking my friends do they want to go and they said no and I left them there at my house while I went to church. There was a period of time I didn't have nightmares and then we moved to Texas and after a couple of months I saw Chucky on the screen of my friends parents TV and the memories of my haunting rushed back into my head! I went home and told my mom and she had it with the Devil. She made me get down on my knees and pray that the Lord take these bad dreams in the name of Jesus and that I  would believe that God was stronger and there was nothing to fear. After that night I never had a nightmare again.

                                            Fast Forward 3 years I continued to go to church and be involved with youth group. But I didn't have bad dreams anymore so I didn't have a desperate need to know God more. My 8th grade summer going into 9th grade I started trying to fill my father wound with the attention of "men", alcohol, drugs, and would test the boundaries with purity but not go too far because I moral but I didn't really understand why the Lord intended sex for marriage and I wasn't wise enough to ask anyone. So I just didn't do it ultimately to please my mom. I got grounded for months during that year about 4 times. and the last time I was not grounded anymore my friend Kaylee called me and asked me if I wanted to hang out. At the time I knew what that meant. Sneak out, drink, and hang out with guys. I knew I had to make a choice and I remember the Lord just putting this thought in my head. You are not going to live like this anymore, you are going to live for me. That is when I realized that I was the sin, evil and death. I put Jesus on the cross. I am a sinner. I do not naturally want to be holy it is only God that can make me that way. That is when I believe God saved me. May 2005. Later that summer I went to a mission trip to Uvalde Texas with a man named Blake Chilton who was our youth pastor and He would confirm what happened in my room that afternoon was surely me turning away from my life of sin and running to the arms of my father.

 

                                            So I've known the Lord to be my Hero to slay the dragon or the leprechaun and save his princess! and then I finally knew the Lord as my savior that saved me from eternal life separated from him. Then I would behave as if literally he was my father and took his grace for granted, like no matter what I do he will love me. Then after heartbreaks of relationships He showed me He is my lover AND THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN SATISFY OR EVER BE MY HERO and now in the last year He has opened my eyes to see him as my Daddy. redeeming all the neglect of affection and affirmation from my father. He quite literally will help me find my keys and is so sweet and watches for me. Now my daddy is teaching me to Trust him and REMEMBER He was and Is and IS TO COME.

 

John 10:10
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

 

            My Hero, My Savior, My Father, My lover, My Daddy.                          

                                        

                

 

This battle is not against me and Satan it is against God and Satan.  It is God has won. and will win again.

 

REMEMBER MY FRIENDS.

 

Amen.

Something New

               A couple of weeks ago I started to think about my constant ping pong of my weight, so from October to the end of January, when Starbucks comes out with all the holiday drinks and every where I go there is a pumpkin something and then in November when BlueBell comes out with the gingerbread and the pumpkin holiday flavors, I will gain weight. When February hits and I realize how close spring break and summer are I start to eat better and work out more. So this has been a constant lifestyle for as long as I can remember. I don't think there has ever been a time where I was not self conscience of my weight or how I look. There were times where I didn't care as much but that was only because I had a boyfriend and the only reason I wanted to look good was to have guys like me and so if I had a boyfriend then the mission was complete and all I had to do was to maintain which wasn't hard.

Then I started to think about why during the holidays do I binge on sweets. My addiction to seasonal food is insane I don't even like beer but because they have a October Fest Pumpkin addition I would want to try it! Anything that reminds me of the Holidays around the year I will get it because I love the feelings the holiday brings.

My roommates birthday was last week and another women in the Emerging Leader Program came over and brought her a cake and I was so controlled when I saw it didn't really care, and had no intention of eating any of it. Then my best friend had a bite and said it was so good and moist. Still I wasn't impressed. The next day it was just me and the cake in the house and I just decided I'm going to try it. Then it was so good my fork kept going in to the cake and into my mouth and the next thing you know the a whole forth of the cake was gone. Then my roommate started to unlock the front door and as I heard it rattling I quickly put the top on the cake and walked away. That very moment I felt conviction. I knew I had just sinned but I couldn't quite put words to it.

A couple days later we had Friday morning class for Downline and Pastor Conley from High Point Church in Memphis, Tennessee did a lesson on temptation and whenever the topic was announced I automatically thought sex, lusting, cheating. Not once did the temptation of food come to my mind. The Lord had a totally different lesson to teach me that morning through pastor Conley. I walked in with my friend and she sits by someone else and I thought it was weird but I didn't think much of it and went and sat next to some people I didn't know only because that was the only open spots and I needed a place to plug in my charger. As Pastor Conley started to teach I knew that where I sat and that I knew no one around me was strategically planned by God. He wanted my full attention that morning. God showed me my sin, He showed my heart. He showed me that all my life I have been going to food for comfort and putting food particularly sweet food on this pedestal that makes life great. I never saw eating healthy or working out as a heart issue. At the moments when I am compulsively eating the Lord has showed me that I am loving food more than God.

So then what's next? Right now I am fasting from sweats for the rest of the year. And however long it takes for me to stop being in love with sweet things. However long it takes me to take a good thing and enjoy it instead of becoming obsessed with it and making it an idle. I will not be a slave to anyone or anything but the Lord.

"For the moment all things seem painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it."

-Hebrews 12:11

John 6:27

Galatians 5:16

1 Corinthians 6:19-20

1Thesssalonians 23-24

 

Memphis is a great city that the Lord is doing mighty work in. For me it is my desert. Not that I don't enjoy the city. I am very thankful the Lord has given me this opportunity to come and to learn more about the Lord and the bible and how to make disciples. I think the reason why I resented being here at first because it wasn't easy and every other day the Lord was showing me my sin BUT He is also showing me who He is still in spite of me.  The Lord has brought me here so that he can speak to me and show me things that I that I have not known. He is patient with me and He is slowly showing me things. I hate not knowing things because I want to fix them. I think that's why I have been so frustrated being here, I've been blaming it on the city but the problem is me. And this would have happened with any city I went to after graduation. I love Memphis, I HATE my sin. I'm trying not to mix up the source of the feelings. Lord I am here and now I know why you have brought me here. Help me run to you when times get hard. Help me trust that everything you bring in my life is to teach me something that is for my good no matter how hard it is. I will never forget this place. I know you have plans for me for your glory. Help me learn everything you want me to at this place in life so that I will be prepared for the next if the next is your will. Lord I trust you. Daddy I trust you with my life help me not be comforted by this world. Help me not obsess with great things here on earth, it is nothing compared to you. Help me remember to count it all loss for the sake of knowing you more.

So be it in Jesus Name and Amen.

Blossom Where You're Planted

Today I woke up and looked out the window, I have never done that before as soon as I woke up, but I thought it would help me wake up. Help my mind wonder at creation and get my engines running. Last night in Downline we learned about Joseph in Genesis and a man named Steve was teaching and he said Joseph was a prime example of faithfulness and that wherever he went the Lord was with him and he succeeded wherever he was. From slavery to prison to having the highest ranking position second to the Pharaoh. Then he encouraged us to blossom where we are planted. I felt like he was looking straight at me when he said it. I know that's what you want me to do Lord and I need you to help me enjoy here and now. Today is October 1, 2013 I have been in Memphis, TN almost 2 months now. The memory verse for this month is Matthew 28:16-20


           " Now the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain to which Jesus directed them. And when they saw him they worshipped him, but some doubted. And Jesus came and said to them, "All authority in heaven and on earth have been given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, in the name of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of age."

This is why my heart beats.

Lord during this time when I am confused and don't know how things are going to get done or paid for. Lord help me really believe that you are my father, you are my daddy and you care deeply for me. You care for me more than any person on earth could ever love me. Lord help me believe that! If you gave your son for me how will You not also with him graciously give me all things? Lord you never fail me, you never give up, you never run out on me.

If I am faithless, You remain faithful You cannot deny yourself.

Lord help me see you in all things, please change my heart for this time in my life. Lord change my heart to give my life away to sharing the gospel and making disciples and investing in women for your glory. Lord make that passion deeply burned in my heart for as long as I live on earth. Lord help me not try to be you Lord you are the one who saves not me. Lord help me throw my hands up and surrender this sweet young women to you. You love them more than I ever could. Lord you long to see them come to yourself more than I could ever imagine to.

Humble King
Lamb of God
I love the Holy lamb of God
Who washed me in His precious blood.
My Jesus Christ, The lamb of God.
I was so lost I should have died
but you have brought me by your side
and led me by your staff and rod
and made me a lamb of God.
Come all you weary and broken
come to the table of the Lord
Come lay your burden on the word
Everyone needs a little rest
Everyone needs a little joy
and a song to sing in the darkest nights
and Life even when it get you down
Hope will turn it all around
Love is the greatest of all
He will lift you up
and cover your soul with healing

Lord help them want you above all else, help me not care who pours into them as long as they are getting truth. Help me not be so selfish. Help me care about their souls more than my desire to be used.

Why are you still with me
Did you not see what I have done
In shame I want to run and hide
I don't deserve you
I need you to love me
I have wasted so much time
pushing you away from me
I just never saw how you
could cherish me
You're a God who has all things
and still you want me
and I need you to love me
and I wont keep my heart from you this time
and Ill stop this pretending
that I can somehow deserve something that I already have

You are good when there's nothing good in me
You are light when the darkness closes in
You are hope, you have covered all my sin
You are peace when my fear is crippling
You are joy, you' re the reason that I sing
You are life, in you death has lost it's sting

Daddy come back soon! Until them help me remember my purpose at all times. All I do I want to do for you. Help this be true change my heart Lord. Wherever I am, Wherever I am working Lord help your joy come through. Lord overwhelm me with your love and presence. Lord help me see you working at chic fila and on the basketball court just as much as I feel you at a bible study or church.

troubles chasing me again
God Im looking for you
fear is filling up my head
Im longing for you
But I will find you when Im at my end
when there is nothing else to offer you
except my brokenness
You lift me up
you never leave me thirsty
When I am weak
When I am lost and searching
I'll find you on my knees
Ill trust you
because you are faithful
When my heart is broken and
my joy is stolen
you never leave me searching

Lord save my fathers. I beg of you Lord save them from eternity without you. Please Lord. Save them redeem their pasts. Restore my family Lord. Lord I pray for my nieces Tiajah and Tekarrie and my nephews Zane and Elijah. Save them at a young age. Lord keep them. Lord let your word be on their heart forever. Lord help me and my sisters see that you are enough. Lord help up live for you. Help us love you with all of our heart, soul, and mind.

You never promised this life wouldn't be hard
Just have your way
You take broken things and turn them in to beautiful
Ill stop searching for the answers
Ill stop praying for an escape
Ill trust you God where I am
Even if my dreams have died
and even if I don't survive
Ill trust you with my life
Just have your way
I know you will
You love me
Have
Your
Way.

Lord I pray for my friends. Lord I pray that you would show us that you are enough that you can satisfy, that you can mend broken hearts. Lord that you can provide. That we don't have to take control of everything. You are with us every step of the way, you are not just waiting at the finish line.

Bless the Lord
Oh my soul
Worship His Holy Name
Sing like never before
I'll worship your Holy Name
The sun comes up its a new day dawning
Its time to sing your song again
whatever may pass
and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes.
You're rich in love
and your slow to anger
your name is great
and your heart is kind
for all your goodness
I will keep on singing
10,000 reasons for my heart to find.

How Great Thou Art.
Amen.

New Chapter 1

I just graduated college from the University of North Texas. I only graduated by the grace of God literally. College was awesome and that is the time in my life where I realized what to do with the Gospel, SHARE IT! I learned how to make disciples through Beach Projects and Summer Projects by Campus Outreach. Now I have moved to Memphis, TN. I have been here for a month and 11 days I still don't have a permanent job. Yes that is how my new chapter starts, VERY SLOWLY. That is okay with me as long as I'm not idle in life. The Lord is teaching me something but I don't know what it is. There are several things that I think, like pride, stewarding money well and serving others.
I have applied at TONS OF places, 28 places of business to be exact. It has never taken me this long in my life and I have been working since I was 15-years-old. Now I am substituting at PDS and working at chic-fila and its really frustrating because I love the company and the people and what I do but I am just not feeling it something in me is not right when I'm working there and I don't know if it is me or the Holy Spirit just trying to pull me somewhere else. I am so confused and I need the Lord to just show me what to do. I have subbing and I have PDS and I have an opportunity to coach for Westminster Academy and then I'm volunteering for Campus Outreach and babysitting for the Sanders and watching 2-year-olds on Wednesday mornings. Anyways I am very frustrated to the point of tears. On top of all that I can't pay my bills and my mom is having to pay them. I graduated college and I can't pay my own bills its so horrible. I hate this feeling. I want to be in Texas but then again I don't know if my situation would be worse or better. Lord you know the plans you have for me, they are plans for welfare and not for evil, they are to give me future and a hope. When I call upon you and pray to you, you will seek me and find me, if I just seek you with all my heart. (Jeremiah 29:11-13) Lord help me remember that you are what I should seek not the comfort of this world. Oh God you are my God earnestly I seek you, my soul thirsts for you my flesh faints for you as in a dry and weary land where there is no water so I have looked upon You in the sanctuary beholding you power and Glory because your steadfast love is better than life my lips will praise you. Lord help me remember that I don't have to say the perfect thing for me to not feel defeated I just need to call on your name, Lord that in Exodus 14:14 you said you will fight for me and I have only to be silent. Lord HELP ME! LORD I FEEL SO UNCOMFORTABLE, SO SAD, SO CONFUSED, NOT FUFILLED, NOT WELCOME, NOT READY,  NOT WORTHY, NOT IMPORTANT, NOT ENOUGH, NOT WISE, NOT TOGETHER, NOT AUTHENTIC. I am hiding how I feel because I don't want to sob and sit around all day. Lord I don't know where this is coming from I know its not you. Lord I pray that you would just calm me down that you would grab my heart and slow it down. That you would help me have fun at chic-fila and help me joyfully serve people and genuinely care about people's needs. Lord I pray that you would help me I can not do it myself . This is an ugly heart issue and I do not know why it is. Why am I NOT content? Man that is so hard to answer, what do I need to do, what do I want to do. Lord I pray that you would help me balance everything. Lord help me know that you are working all things together for my good because I have been called according to your purpose! Lord help me focus my mind on things of the spirit. Lord thank you that even though I am not grateful Lord that you still love me you died for me while I was a sinner, I don't have to pretend my feelings with you Lord because you know them! AND you want to fix my heart and so I am asking Lord that you would help me be grateful have a passion for serving people in the small places even at a restaurant. Lord help me remember that you are my shepherd and you know what I need and I do not want for anything because you protect me and provide for me. Lord help me press on toward the goal, bringing you God in Christ Jesus glory. HELP ME PRESS ON, HELP ME HOLD ON. Lord help me remember that you are God and you sent your son Jesus and he came to earth not to be serve but to serve. If the savior of the world is serving anywhere and everywhere why do I think I am above it? Because I have a degree? NO Lord please help me be humbled and overjoyed by working there at chic fila. Lord thank you for remaining faithful when I am faithless. Lord these times are building my faith and I thank you for that Lord. Lord help me remember that you are who you say you are and you will do all of these things that you say you will do. Lord help me remember that ALL things at the beginning are painful rather than pleasant but later they yield peaceful fruit to those who train by it in Christ Jesus. Lord amen! Lord help me see this as training Lord help me be faithful and committed to the opportunities that you have given me at the moment. Lord and help me believe that you will instruct me and teach me in the way I should go and you will counsel me with your eye on me. Lord help me see the direction you are taking me Lord help me be able to hear where you want me to go. Lord if there is any sin that is separating me hearing you, Lord I beg of your forgiveness Lord I pray that you would forgive me for all my sins Lord thank you for sending your son and loving me through all of this. Lord please calm the storm. I trust you. Lord help me believe that you are here with me that you have not abandoned me. My soul will rest in your embrace for I am yours and you are mine.

Race, Gender and Media 10/29

                   Today in class we presented our media analysis projects. I presented a ridiculously long prezi over the movie "Crash". I really love that movie because it justifies why I started Never Be A Stupid Girl. If we would take advantage of the different cultures that we come encounter with everyday we would get a broader view of others and realize that we are actually more alike than different.
                       I also really liked the presentation on football quarterbacks. I thought that was a perfect example of a media analysis. I also thought about why I have never questioned that. It was nice to see and hear more about a predominant subject discussed in sports.
                   Overall, all of the presentations where awesome and I really was influenced to open my eyes to what message the media is trying to give and when and where to be analytical.

Race, Gender and Media 10/22

                     Today in class we talked about how advertising influences our perception of body image. Of everything that we talked about in class my perception of who I am was most influenced by body image in advertising. I first became self-conscious about my weight when I moved to Texas in 6th grade.
               The picture above on the left is me in 6th grade about four months before I moved to Texas and the picture of me on the left is me a couple of weeks ago at the age of 21.
              I was always in sports and had a lot of friends and even boyfriends! I started to compare my self in Texas to other girls in middle school. I think the difference was the demographic region. In Oklahoma I went to a very diverse school and looking different was normal. When I moved to Texas I was going to a predominately white school where everyone wanted to have long hair and be a size 0. I remember being on diets in middle school and I always stayed active. The show FAT CAMP came on MTV and I always wished I could go, so that I could be transformed over the summer. I know that this mindset could have been influenced by nothing else than advertising. My mom, sisters, friends never said anything about me being bigger or not good enough. I got these ideas from TV mainly. I wanted to be thin, popular, and the star of the anything like all the girls on the Disney channel.
               In high school I got taller and I was on the basketball team, so I thinned out. In my mind it wasn't exactly what I wanted but because I was involved in several sports I just told myself I may be bigger but I bet you I can run longer, throw longer and jump higher than the skinny girls! I had boyfriends and of course that's all I was thinking about in high-school was basketball, and boys.
              Now thanks to the healing grace of the Lord my mind has been transformed and know that my self worth is determined by me and no one else but me. I now would rather have a compliment on my intelligence and int intellect than my physical appearance. I am what the Lord says I am, I was made in His image.

I am Lovely.
   
                

Race, Gender and Media 10/15

                      Today was the day that has influenced me the most to proceed in my career as an African-American Female Journalist. The documentary we watched today was about the influence black newspapers had on the Civil Rights Movement. It also talked about how these Black owned newspapers helped literacy in the Black community as well as economical opportunity for the Black community as well. The Black newspapers gave people an opportunity to express their opinion and to stand up against injustice.
                      This video influenced me to think about how if it wasn't for the black newspapers a large number of Americans, both black and white and anything other would not have been fully aware of the truths about the lack of justice in the government systems and the civil cases in their own towns that were not being justified.
                      This documentary displayed the perseverance of African-Americans through this time. It makes me proud to be a part of that culture. Because of what they have done before me bringing light and truth to the public on a subject that was very sensitive but very relevant and very important for people to know about.
                         I want to do that with my career. I want to ask the hard questions.
                         I thought it was very ironic that we are taught in journalism class today to be neutral but then all that was in the newspaper was opinion. So which one is more important for society? Now we are taught to just present the facts and not chose a side. They did state facts about an event that happened such as exactly how many people where affected but the rest was opinion and persuasive articles that transformed the minds of all Americans.